I always seem to write when something is troubling me. It is my way of processing all the slush that is in my brain. This year, and many years in the past if I am being honest, I am struggling with religion. I have “church-hopped” for the past 20 years. We went to a wonderful church in town for many years, and were actually quite involved, but they couldn’t keep a minister more than two years, and after so long, I could not handle the inconsistency and discontent the congregants seemed to have with each new pastor.

To give you some background, our family attended Southside Christian Church in Munster for many years. My father was an elder and an organist, and most of our close family friends were from church. As children, we were there any time the doors were open. The people there truly were family. I have not lived in that area for 47 years, yet I still keep in contact with several of my Southside friends. My sister and I have discussed how we compare every church to Southside, though we are certain that even that church is very different than it was in the 1970s.

About seven years ago, I joined the Catholic church. My husband and I were in choir, and I was content for some time. I don’t believe everything they teach, but there is no church that aligns exactly with my beliefs. While at mass, I feel God’s presence, and that I am honoring Him. And then, a new church opened that more closely fit with Southside, so I had to go. I love the people and the more laid-back worship. But after a couple years of regular attendance, I stopped going. I could not really articulate why. I just didn’t want to go. So, this year I have taken a break. I have gone to mass a couple times, but that is it. Friends have asked. My sister has asked (several times). My husband has asked. I had no answer that made sense because I really wasn’t sure.

Recently I have tried to figure out just what it is that is keeping me away. I still have a strong faith, but I feel closer to God when I am outside walking or running. I’ve learned more through podcasts and music. I believe that the reason I am avoiding church is that so many Christians, regardless of their denominations, are hell-bent on telling everyone else what to believe. If you support a woman’s right to choose what happens to her body, you can’t call yourself a Christian. If you support people’s right to choose whom they marry, you can’t call yourself a Christian. If you support transgender rights, you are not a Christian. If you are a republican, you must not be a Christian because… If you’re a democrat you surely aren’t a Christian because…this list goes on and on. Do they consider themselves appointed to judge? What happened to Matthew 7:3-5 “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye”? According to the great prophet Google, “The verse teaches that people should focus on their own spiritual condition and address their own greater sins before they try to correct others for their lesser offenses.” Why is this so difficult?

I have said this before, and I will say it until I take my final breath: God calls us to love above all else. That’s it. Love one another. Divorced, married, gay, trans, black, white, brown, immigrant, emigrant, rich, poor. Love them. If I have to pass someone’s test or carry someone’s values to prove my faith, it just isn’t going to happen. People are being berated online for being supportive of all people. Too many people care more about posting their “Christian” memes than they do about loving and caring for their friends and family. Is that what church has become?

And PLEASE know, I know that most church-goers are not like that at all. I have wonderful friends and family whom I desperately love who are true representatives of Christ’s love. I just wish the judgmental ones weren’t so loud; they are drowning you out. Rather than bringing more people to the church – whatever church – they are pushing us away. Is that their intent?

As I continue on life’s journey, I will continue to love and support all people. I will work to nourish my faith, and at some point, I might return to regular church attendance. For now, I am just going to hang out with God on my own.